Class of 2021, you received a pretty terrible hand. Missing half of your college experience, going into a recession… nobody has it worse than you – except maybe the class of 2020, I guess. So before you bravely launch out into these uncharted waters with just a cute piece of card stock for a paddle, listen to my advice.
Don’t be afraid to find new passions
As you begin your professional career during what may be the end of the world, you will soon need to jump into the barter economy. I am preparing for these unprecedented times by completing the “Ditching” and “Animal Husbandry” columns on my CV. Anarcho-vegan sects don’t care if you know C ++, only that you can grow a damn parsnip (without it being eaten by mutant groundhogs, of course). When our only motto is backed by breathable air units, brand managers and UX designers will be the first to go.
Know it’s not your fault
The next few years are going to be tough. When you’ve run out of savings, when you’ve applied for twenty jobs and haven’t heard from any of them, when you just can’t bear to keep going, don’t beat yourself up. Blame God. What the fuck is this, my God. Would you let us do this?
Start investing early
If population diagrams have an ounce of credibility, Social Security won’t exist for long. Oops daisy! So thank your parents for being the last upward mobile generation and start saving. And I’m not just talking about money – save the plastic bags, old underwear, the skeletons of your beloved pets. If this year has taught us anything, it’s that you don’t know when a random object will suddenly become very, very important. Oh, and keep all of your cash savings, in a place known only to you. Don’t trust anybody mostly not the banks.
Keep control of your debt
You probably have student loans. Do not worry ! Sure, they have insanely high interest rates, and of course they literally can’t be escaped unless you pay or die – but every generation has had its issues. Control your debt, don’t let it control you! Make a payment plan and stick to it. If not the man of debt will come for you, and he only accepts blood payments. He won’t kill you, but he will make you regret that you died. So call the loan manager and activate automatic payments. Because when the time comes, he will know where to find you.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictional. Not all attributions in this article are authentic, and this story should be read only in the context of pure entertainment.